Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Murderous Despot Born in Sheffield
AVILE dictator, whose murderous reign of terror will enslave half the globe, was born in Sheffield General Hospital this morning. Barnaby Percival Clarke, who will one day have total dominion over billions of cowed and broken subjects, weighed 6lb 12
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Gambling During Lockdown?– you Bet!
THE LOCKDOWNS of the last 12 months have taken their toll on everyone. Stopped from meeting friends and loved ones, denied the simple pleasures of eating a meal out, and unable to browse the shops, we have all suffered in one way or another. So spare
Viz Magazine4 min de lecture
Jockey’s Whips
THE LIFE of a jockey is surely one of the most glamorous imaginable. Driving to racecourses the length and breadth of the land in order to dress up in a gaily-coloured clown costume with a big hat before sitting on a horse doing 50mph for ninety seco
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Inca-redible!
CALLS to ban fixed odds betting terminals have intensified after a machine in a Croydon betting shop paid out big when one surprised punter hit the jackpot… and won The Secret of the Incas! Furloughed Essex telesales worker Aken Drummond was playing
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Tony Parsehole
WHEN I heard the news that Phil Spector had died at the age of 81, I am not ashamed to say that I cried. In the words of one of his most famous songs, (look up on google and paste some lyrics about crying here) For who couldn’t fail not to not be sad
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Covid Crisis Gets Tinse Town Treatment
AS FILMING gets underway in Hollywood, the story of the global Coronavirus pandemic is set to become a Tinseltown blockbuster. And the scientists in the story will not only face the danger of the virus, as moviegoers will see the laboratory attacked
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
Hedge Your Bets
BRITAIN is a nation of shopkeepers. And those shops are betting shops, because Britain is also a nation of gamblers. From Land’s End to John O’Groats, every single one of us loves a flutter. But what if the unthinkable happened one day, and we took a
Viz Magazine7 min de lecture
Roger's PROFANISAURUS
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk AA-lister n. An alcoholic celebrity. attention all shipping exclam. An urgent gale warning issued prior to a passage of potentially harmful wind. See also and now for something completely different; and Bully’s special prize…;
Viz Magazine18 min de lecture
Letter Boks
I READ that Christopher Columbus was 41 years old when he went to America, and as a consequence everyone celebrates him to this day. I was 25 when I first landed on the East Coast of the USA, and yet not one book has been written about me despite the
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
Odds ‘N’ Gods
Honest’Justin Welby Dear AB of C, I WAS flicking through the Bible the other day, and I came upon a passage in Exodus where God says, “You cannot see my face, for no man shall see me and live.” It struck me that this would give God an unfair advantag
Viz Magazine8 min de lecture
Swipe Right!
ASK MOST couples todays how they first met, and they will no longer tell you “at work,” “through friends,” or “at the discotheque.” They’ll simply answer with one word: “online.” Just a decade ago, Internet dating was the domain of only the most path
Viz Magazine6 min de lecture
Rich As Creases
A FOOL and his money are soon parted, so the saying goes. But Barton Creases would have to disagree. “I’ve still got all my money, and plenty more to boot,” he says. For Creases has spent his life amassing a fortune plying his trade as a professional
Viz Magazine4 min de lecture
Web Of Deceit
EXCLUSIVE! AN EAST COAST odd-job man has been left thousands of pounds out of pocket after falling victim to a heartless computer con. And to make matters even worse, the incident saw the scammers get away scot free and the victim taken to court, cha
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
Jesus Saves
OUR local Curry’s is slashing the price on one of them cordless Dyson vacuums in this year’s January sales. But yesterday I overheard Edna Earnshaw from number 32 telling her sister that she’s after buying it. I was wondering if God might consider sm
Viz Magazine2 min de lecturePhysics
All To Clock!
AN AUSTRALIAN tourist holidaying in the UK was left shocked and disorientated after glancing at his watch and seeing the hands moving in a different direction to the way they did back home. Holidaying sheep-shearer Mick Aberdeen noticed the strange p
Viz Magazine4 min de lecture
Who’s Who and What’s What in a Medieval Plague Village?
THIS time last year, Covid-19 began its relentless journey across the planet, causing untold death and misery, and turning everyone’s lives upside down. Nobody had ever seen the like of this disease before. But that is not to say that the current pan
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
Merry Christmas And A Vice-free New Year
IT’2S a story as old as time. At midnight on December 31st, every man in Britain vows to give up masturbating. But chances are that by lunchtime on New Year’s Day he has already fallen off the wagon and cracked a quick one out. And now a new study by
Viz Magazine12 min de lecture
Letter Bocks
Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk ■ HAVE ANY of your readers ever been bitten on the arse off a snake? George Dirtcrumbs, Tring * Well, we have a lot of readers, Mr Dirtcrumbs, so it’s entirely possible that one or more
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Tony Parsehole
2020 was a year beset by many terrible events. It was beset by Coronavirus, it was beset by other terrible events, and it was also beset by even more terrible events. But undoubtedly the most terrible event of which 2020 was beset by was surely by th
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
New Year’s Raj-olutions!
WE all love the time-honoured tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. Every January 1st, each of us makes a solemn vow to take up something new, to give up something unhealthy, or to achieve some long-intended goal. But what you probably didn’t know is
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Down Cast!
FOOTBALL manager Roy Hodgson has expressed his anger at movie producers after being cast as the lead in an American teen comedy without his knowledge. Now the Crystal Palace boss fears the mix-up could scupper his team’s chances of pushing for a Euro
Viz Magazine7 min de lecture
Roger’s 2021 PROFANISAURUS
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk arse whisperer n. One who utters words of encouragement at their own nipsy whilst in the act of fouling, in a style reminiscent of a megaphone-toting rowing coach cycling along a towpath, using stock phrases such as “Come on,
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
50 Quid Craptic Crossword
No. 302 7 Anus parking behind steamer carrying first of holidaymakers (4,4) 9 1 down container (6) 11 Come down on floppy thing when it gets dark (9) 12 Sphincter pinches willy on the end (5) 13/26 Get a boner under the bedclothes: obvious concealing
Viz Magazine3 min de lecture
Blair Today, Gone Tomorrow
LOOKING like Tony Blair is a problem that few of us face. Indeed, only a handful of people in the country may be mistaken on a regular basis for the former Prime Minister, getting constantly stopped in the street and asked for their autograph, or hav
Viz Magazine4 min de lecture
What’s In A Name?
SINCE TAKING up residence at number 11 Downing Street a year ago, Chancellor of the Exchequer RISHI SUNAK has got Britain’s ladies’ interest rates soaring. The true blue First Lord of the Treasury may be small in stature, but he’s got a pound or two
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Royal Thumbs Down for Oranges
No seg(ment)s, please, we’re British monarchy: The Duke of Cambridge and some oranges, yesterday. EXCLUSIVE! BUCKINGHAM Palace stunned the world’s press this week when they announced that Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, has never eaten an orange.
Viz Magazine4 min de lectureMedical
Have Your Say!
2020 WILL be remembered as the year that Covid-19 brought death and misery to the entire planet. In Britain, the virus killed thousands, and as infection rates rose, we seemed powerless to stop it. But just as things looked really bleak, scientists a
Viz Magazine1 min de lecture
Top Tips
CRIMINALS. Avoid being caught by deliberately wearing the wrong-sized shoes when committing acrime. Rob Powell, We lshpool CHANNEL 4executives. Rename E4 “The Come Dine With Me Channel” to avoid any confusion about what’s on. Gary Ireland, Ta uranga
Viz Magazine2 min de lecture
Merry Bonsai Xmas
THERE is no more festive a sight than a Christmas tree standing tall in the corner of the room, trimmed with tinsel, baubles and twinkling lights. But it’s a sight that may not be quite so impressive in years to come, as research shows that Christmas
Viz Magazine1 min de lectureComputers
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