BIG RED SON Tay Awexscan ACADEMY of Rmergensy Medicine coins it ach year, beoween ane and ne doven att US males ae adaited o ERsafier having castrated themwelves, With Kite tol, sal, somedmes wire caters In answer othe obvious question, suniving patients most often report that thelr seal iges had becone 2 source of intolerable confit and ames) The dese for perfect release and the ralverld impossitiy of perfec, wheneveryou ante release had together produced a tension they cold no t ger at, isto the 80+ testoteronically fiz males whose cases thie been documented inthe past wo years that your correspon lens wish ro dedicate this arcle. And to those tormented soa considering autocateation in 1995, We wiht 8: "Stop! Sy your hand! Hold of with hone kitchen ensls and/or wire cuter ‘Because we believe we may have found an alternative Every spring, the Academy of Motion Pkture Ars and Sciences presents amar for onttandng aleve in all aspects of mainestream enema, Thove are the Acadeny Awad Mainstream cinema is major industry inthe Unltd States, and so ate the Academy ‘Awards. The AAS notorious commercial and bypocrisy dsgust, many of the milios and milions an! milions of ewes who tine in ding prime tie to wath the presentations. Kis not a coins ‘dence thatthe Oscars ceremony i held dring TV's Sweeps Weck. ‘We preuy much all tune in, despite the grotesquere of watching an Industry congrats el on is pretense that e's sil an are om, of hearing people in $5,000 gowns invoke ish clichés of surprise and hum scripted by publics, et. — dhe whole eyical post moder deal — bat weal sl em to wate, To are ren though the bypocriy hur, even though opening groses and marketing steatages are now bigger news than the movies themseles, een ‘hough Cannes and Sundance have become nothing more tha enterprise zones. But the tat that there's no more ealjoy about itall anymore. Worse, there seems tobe tis enormous unspoken ceoogprtey where we all pretend that there's al og. That we tink ies Sunny when Bob Dole doce a Visa ad and Corbacle sil for Poza Hut. That the whole malasrear celebrity cltareis using to ‘ash in and al the while congrazlating elf on pretending not to ‘adh in. Underneath tall, ough, we know the whole thing ick. ‘Your corespondents humbiy offer an alert, very january, the let pretenious cy in America hot he Annual AVN Avant. The AVN stands for Adal Vdoo New, which is sort of| the Varia ofthe US pom industry, This thick, beautify designed magazine cous $7.95 persue, about 8 percent ad, and leary ‘angeted at adlevideo rot. deeulaton app: 40,00, “Though the subline vagarie of entertsnment accounting are legendary, iti universally acknowledged thatthe US adaln indy, ¢ $5.5-4 billion in anna sles, ental, cable charges, and videomasurbationbooth revenues, # an even larger and more eficient moneymaking machine dha legitimate mainssesm American cinema (dhe eters annual gross commonly estimated at $825 billion) The US adult industry centered in LA’ San Fes nando Valley, just over the mountains fom Hollywood! Some insiders ke to refer to the ad nurs Hollywood's Bit Ti, thera he mainstream Big Red Son. eis no accent that Al Video Neue— «ik, expensive period al whos artless realy mor ike infemersals— and its eat ‘Awards both came into being in 1988, The early is, after all, the genesis of VCRs and homesideo renal, which have done for ‘he adultindusty prety much what TV a for pro foodall rom the 12/11/97 presereleaseieuel by AVN (stable als at today? Thiers award tow commemrating AVN 1 ale tary celebeter"inoy” [od gat perio. " 2 The dalndrtry reese neni 8.08 relents] in 197 inluding ove 400"new reese (oncompaton. AWN renewed ey new lean every sey (ee ayes, Tagging over $0 wexacene® seNoraiee ern smn abo Scie Sey tne it tte en Bre ancnare pe gee stems ogo ety ‘tte Bora Ba te ins Bed cone pa oot ote she tone store erat emo Sindee mngnjnracraciwcrinah sn+ By compar, yar thee weve prone 875 mig Sefrthe Acadeny rate at thee ote (e—meaing der sntvoen fom the AVN oie petab] wee equted to se, ‘Soup $000 dhided by 75 nndoed oer 1 From the acceptance specch of Mi. Tam Byrom, Stuy 10 Jans ay 1885, Caesars Forum ballroom, Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino comples, L2s Vegas NY, upon winning AUN's 1998 Mate Pesformer af the Year Award (ae with no lise feling): “Tanto hank every beau woman Lever ptm cock inside.” (Laughter, From the aceptance speech of Ms. Jean Fine, ibid, upon inning AVN's 1998 Best Supporting Acrea Awata for her role in Rod Black's Marsan “ens which one is ths for, Micmant? Jesus, that's another one where ead the seript and asi "Oh sit fam going to go to hell. (Laughter, cheers | But cats oy, ease all my front be there ta” [Huge wave of laughter, chee, spplawse] From the iaterAvard banter of Mr Bobby Slayton, profer sional comedian and master of ceremonies for the 1997 AVN “T ‘now Fm looking good, though, like younger, “cause 1 stared wing this pecial Grecian Formula — every me ada gray bit 1 fuck my wife inthe as. (No laughter, scanered groans.) Fuck yo That'sagreatjoke, Fuckyou" ‘Bobby Slayton, 2 gravelysoiced Dice Cay knockoff who kept introducing every female performer as “the woman T' going to cutmy dick of for" and who atounded all the marginal printjous nals in atendance with both his unfunnines and his reser Dance to every aparmentcomplex cake dealer we'd ever mets ‘mercifully absent rom the 1008 Avard gala. The 'W emcee fone Robert Schimmel, alana of In Living Color an a Howard Stern ‘regular Schimmel ook ikea depraved eply tn Wallace Shan and tno les coarse than Sto but lot etter He does apa Monson 7 ‘omime of someone tempting intercourse with 3 Love Dell bes been too fzyo blow pal the way. He contrat the wool pac ‘of his own ejaculate withthe concuniveonguss of certain wel ‘own male performers! comparing thete men's gpeuatlons 1 automatic len sprinkles and doing an eee sonic impresion of ‘same All of 1988's marginal prin jours are together at Table 189 at che very Back ofthe ballroom. Mo of thee reporter are forthe sors of men's magazines that hrinkwrapped behing the cash eyes of convenience stares, aud they ae a wordy and {ded crew indeed, but Sehimme! ge a coupe of thetn — whose rims de guerre are Harold Hecuba and Dick Fk — laughing so uproutiousy tat people at che Anabolic Video table nearby keep looking over in annoyance, At one pointing a routine on pre- ‘mature aculaon, Dick Flth actualy chokes on California roll Buta hiss Saturday nigh, the ran event. And there are hole lot of estes preceding Saturday’ climax “The adult indusey i vlgar Would anyone disagree? One of the AVN Aad! categories is "Beat Anal Themed Fest’; another is “Best Overall Marketing Campaign — Company Image" Foes, 11988 winner in several categorie, has Keen spelled rian for Blicon szsight years The industry’ not oly lg i preity wagae All the cikés are true. The pica porn producer elle che ugly ie man wth a bad toupee and Dinkleving the sie ofa Roa. The pical pom director realy is {he guy who wes the word cawata noun fo mean refinement The ‘ype porn sale really is de lady in Lyra eveningwear witht ‘eos dow herarms who'sboth emoking and chewing gum wale telling journalists how grateful she isto Wadeuter Productions Ld. for foting her breastenlargement bil, And meaning it Thewhole AVN Arar weekend comprises what Me: Dick th calls Irony Free Zone ‘Bat ofcourse we should keepin min that vaigarhas many dc onary definitions and that only 3 couple of these have to do w/ Tewiness or tie. root, wugorji means popular on amas seal. tis the semantic oppo of pitetiour or snabl. e's uri iy with a comboves Tes Nien eaings and Barnum’: axiom and the real botiom line Is ig big business “Thirtyfouryeatold poom ctor Cal Jummer billed hinseltn 1985 Starlets Shauna Grant, Nancy Kell Alex Jordan, andl Savannah have all killed dhetneives ia the lt decade Ssvannah and Jordan received AVN's Bes New Starlet awards in 1891 and 1992 espec- they Savanna killed herself after ging mildly isigred in a car acident. Alex Jordan is fous for having adrewed her su ‘ie note to her pet ind, Crewman and pesformer Israel Gonzalet led himself porn company warehouse in 1997 An LiNbated support group called PAW (= Proteting Adult ‘Wellte) suns a 8+hour ers ne for people in the adult industry [Aides for BSW eas hela «Mision Hill CA bowling ley Test November. Iwasa nude boing tournament. Dozeas af sar les agreed to take pat, Tyo or thiee hundred aduleideo fana showed up and ald co watch them bow naked. No production ‘companies or their exccuves paricipsted or gave money: The fimraiver tok in $6000, which Is aight let than eo one- rallionts of orm’ yea ros As you know if you've seen Carina, Shi Buy te there are realy three Las Vegises. Binion's where the World Series of Poker ivalways played, exemplifies the “Old Veges” centered around Fre ‘mont Steet Las Vega’ futre it even now under latestage om struction atthe very end of the Strip, on the outskirts of town (here US malls avage go up); to hea huneh of sheme parks more “antlyoviented” venues ofthe Kr that De Niro describes so plangeatl Bu ax Vegaratmost unset Vega qua Vegas, compres the dozen ors otk shat ank he Srp gar Fpuithe op lent nwa, garish, erally decadent hotels, xthedrs og bang, partying, an! fe enternment of the tote microphone svsnging sort, The Sands The Sahara. The Stardust. MGM Grand Maxim. All within 4 small radius Year wiley expenditures on neon well into seven Bgures.Havral's, Csno Royale oth it big hour Deney'satached), Flningo Hin, Imperial Palace. The Mirage, wid ts age lddered waterfall alas itp, Cres Cire, ‘Team and, with i intricate facade of decks and rigging and smizens and yang. The Laver, shaped ikea iggurat fom Bayon ot yore. Barbary Coast, whose sign out oat says CASI YOUR Pa carte — ws uP To $45,000, These hot are the Vegas we know, The land of Lala and Wayne. OF Siegfied and Roy, Copperfield Showgls i towering headdre. Sintra’ sandbox: Most of then Dil inthe“ and "bs, the era of mob chic and entertainment ‘eumindustry. Ball butencouraged. Toupees and convention nametags ad women in furs ofall ue, museum that features the World's Biggest Coke Botle. The Harley-Davidson Cafe, th sympa of age po trading hang Ball's HAC, wth it roof phallic pillar ll let nou lines for ais, Smoking not jot allowed fed and Blinking in grand mal me, A ty that pretend to be nothing but what its, an enoemous machine of exchange — of spectacle for money, of sensation for mene, of money for more money, of pleasure for whatever be tormoron’s abstract cot ‘Norlet us fngetVep's yneedoche atl eating ear. ky orne fom Ball's Caesars Palace. The panda. As big a 20 ‘WabMarts end to end, Real marble and fae marble, carpeting you can pass out on without contusion, 13,000 square fet of cas lone. Domed clings, clereatores,barrevanlt In Caesars Place ls America conceived sa new kind of Rone: conquerar of ownpeople. An empire of Self. Is Breahtaking. The wine'sight ain Toakes all dhe neon bleed, The whole thing is almost to prety to stand. There could be ao site bus Las Vegas's Caesr for modern here, the AAVNAS are one more spectacle porn’ ard show rs recognize the wastes than ‘Way more touts and comventonce you'd expect. Doublesakey all over the bot Bven just tanding “round or puting cols in# ot aching, the performers become ‘prime attraction, Las Vegas doen't mis 2 ick ‘he Annual AVN Awards are aay scheduled to coincide withthe Inermaional Consumer Electronic Show (aka. CES), whic tis yearns from 8 throug 1 Janay The GES isa ery big deal 1° Ikea combination convention and talent show for the best and tighten inthe world of consumer tech, Stee Forbes here, and ‘DSS Thomson, Sun Microgstems ib using this year's CESolatneh ius PersonalJava 1.0. Bl Gates give packed house speech on Sat ‘nay raomning, Major payers fom TV, cable, and merchandising dota panel on dhe shoreéersvability of HDTV. A forum on the problem of product returns by dgruntled cstomers seats 1.500, iid SRO. The CES a¢ a whole is bigger than your comrespon len? hometowns. IVs spread out over four diferent hotel and | ‘us 10,000+ boots with eveything rom “The Firs Ever Fall Text ese Pager in Wristvatch”to dhe world’s premier elheaing home satelite diss ("The Suow andIee Solution!) ‘But far and avay the CES's mote popular venue, wih tot attendance well over 100 000 every yar, whats called the Adult Softee” exhibition, despite the fact that the GES isl rests he [Adult eaeshow kind of Hike the eray relative inthe fay wil ecpait way ont in what wed tobe the parking garage of the Suns > hotel This faci, serious us ide fromall he other CES less 34 sn enormous windonlesallcement apace that dung show hour manages to induce both agorepobia acd clastophobia. A big sgn ay you have wo be 21 to get in, The median age inside i almost all males, nearly everyone wearing some sort of convention. ters name. Fey pron compay i he we nay frm Anaol Yanna both here The alg compan hare Both that ae sprang end mtapay sade sala mall Alt orto fenalepertomerareconnet Paes ace vendors to one pel predueon compe tnd on eon y= lv te saree indo ed se cranky Sry igh Ae ala a ty a ae spt tutti pots hate npr CS tn ing fr pinner and preingati mer ottea The boty rth on nipmenta he 9 CES Inagne at spre ook heer cel ay Ma fey more og tackle oho grt re ot ore. Telepanel oe the rh a pte anexrenion at bos ety von afew tno hae Some sng her ste ers tao Nose orf the nda rehab & te them oon espe sen oie mame apenas anionic one le ert Tas an serge fs hours and be mites to mere the ade HS expo cumsng an aera deay for geng later cian rm vse lvoe eng high ee sas dese don teva xpme of Feanene Viet day for Tas Die Mauro ots ou al tne wound. Your eo sponds are scone Hal eras hth veer geo edo asad end doen nee isnradomspater ofthe ngs we sete ime ne cote 2 scone ow Video es in Gating poses thot oe analy onthe Ke fe matty obese rile fm oer Psdetin Toying te peehose CES nomerag sys Hand that is name is Sher, addreses {he startet a "babe" and asks he readjust so aso “give usa ile tore bush down dere An Elegant Ange starlet with polyresin wingeatached to her backs enting a ily Way bar while she signs eo boxes. Actor Steven St. Coin i aniing near dhe Caballero Home Video booth, saying to no one in pareular “Let me out ce, Tean' walt to get ourof here." Adultideo stores al have a disinetve sel — a mix of cheap magnet wpe and singe ‘ant aud the Sands’ former parking garage is rank wih Asan ‘businessmen moe through the ses in dense gracefl packs and fare asiiuously cheery and pote. A young guy In a fallealor Frankenstein Tait spraypaiting cartoon fares onan actress beats atthe Sin City boot, The aetrest—an obscure one, not ven Plt and Hecuba know her nasie—has normadsize beats dnd there's not much of an audience, Producer/irector Max Hardcore draws way bigger ero at the MAXWORLD booth, here one ois gs ating onthe countertop masubatng tri Be bot ofa riding cep. Max vdeo’ promotional posers have him carrying gi in nishor over his shoulder against the Bockdrop of vais cy eins the pithes atthe bot sy sruxrteary ons 0 sronin-79 Reon erren!” Mato {oie ccondingo Harold Hecsba.D.Fith anda por exec tive dred ent) in Campbell Nghiatch plaid te smoking tdgus and keep holding thes cigs up together and comparing burn. A lotoftheindssty the at wo see whieh one ha the ces males and even sone ofthe starct are abo smoking cigars. 1998 is definitely the Year of dhe Cigar. The stavket areal in ether ex twemely formal cocktail dreses of ele abbreviated. ntex/vinyt Lycra ensembles, Heels ae uniformly sharp and ultrahigh. Sone fe aces ate so heavily made up they look embalmed. They tend to have complealy colfed hair that ooks realy good fom 20 feet away but on elaerngpecton i dry ad des. Someone wo is nepperformer Jel! Marton of “Bare Sleaze” lm mar Gregory Dask ls dong seghtofthnd tick with his tade- mark fedora” Whoever he he has goes. Harold Hecuba also dnasa goatee; Dick Blth has more tke aul patch, HH. and DLE, longtime indus journalists, know everbody here and keep get ting stopped and drawn into comiersations (These delays, during Which cores sort of and there svar atthe ede ofthe conversation and try to look around aif they too know people here and ae nsitng only to spotter inthe crow before dey go ‘off and getnto their owa involed conversations, have not been in hed inthe 152einte Adult CES-traerl average) This yeas, good 75 pereen ofthe miles in sd sound the porn industy appear tobe sporting variants ofthe goatee? Nest 10 the Outlw Video booth, > stset fa a gold lame spaghertsuap gov, chewing gum and blowing large blue bubbles, Is beng videotaped by + detbed fan whiae camera and parabolic rake are bolted othe arm of hs wheeler; the starlets pointing to the tattoos on her left atm and appears tobe explaining the origin and context of each one. A the Vid Video mulibooth complex" Ms. Taylor Hayes has what « probably the longest, sutograp-andleshpress ine inthe ene Sands garage. Taylors majorleague preasy—she look lke lightly debauched Cindy Craxford —and an ovesite monitor supended from the cling ‘over the Vie area plas clipe of her scaniy clad and dancing aid Arye fumes. There's berm of boxed videos on the lor by th ‘counter and a huge man with a visor aid handed creditcard machine oa Taylor's right flank se greets each fan lke long ERD arJost relaive. According to Dick Fk Taylor i both a gensinely ice perio anda consummate p ‘The booth for XPlor Media —a company known for i “Southern Belles” video series and ORGY YOR WORLD PACK Website —isaresting because all the exees at XPlor seem to be ander 25 and the boos atmosphere is chat of fatty partyin third aight day. One young bald guy is unconscious na feta posiion on the counter, and some wag has glue all sors of feat fers and faced plastic mioheaded didoih thingy to his shul XPlor'’ oimeranteurs are two brothers, rut and babies fom Connecticut bar of NYC. Their names are Fare and Mosse Tinlake, Fate, who wears twehhole Doc Marcens and cargo ‘pan nd what’ either a ery ight pti oF very henry seas ith hood that stays up atal ies, a pardeulareaute clare at the " CES because he's apparently a lend af dhe two guys ho lo Srath Park and theae guy are rumored to be in Vegar ant poset ches o Saturday's Avards banquet.” ‘Sryregung cc tomone xb en ndary ph Sa rerjone without exception i sweating. At all bt afew ofthe booths, contract starlets teat the fans wit the sume absent, ig faced courtesy that fight attendant and restaurant hotteses tend tose You ean tll how bore the performers are by the way heir faces ight up when they see someone ther know Well oer hal of the industry's current supers re inthis huge room! The int mous TT. Boy is here, standing stone wih his trademark glower, the Boy hos rumored to rng asemautomati pil wth him to the set and who was Feanured ina 1995 fw Hiker ate that was {al oftines ke *A porn shoots an intrienely delineated ecology” Mr Vince Vouyer {ison hand, a are Seth Geto, ake Steed, gels Randy West who Tooksjust he way surfer would Took f thet surfer ner also Mob tion for the story of Max's proposing di ery phous —ie, chat t would point up te megalomania fr more powerful than were reportage sch a poor jo of dgulsing his epson a Ma's slfegard cha the armosphere ofthe whole suite et ried and compledy hose put dhe Peni photographer, who is no actor, does and te resto he interval ad overall Dick "ih sid hate failed in his phase to "penetrate tothecore ofthe essence of what itis ta be Nx Harare” "The 18th Annual AVN Avan ae acsually pli over two consecu tive nights, a acti that Max thought the legit Oscars would do ‘yell oemlater"Getall he bllshit onto the way the Best ght — best packaging, marketing, bes gay, shi ik that. Who wants st ‘eough thatshie™ Held in a cliferent, slighty smaller Caesars Palace ballroom, Fridays Awatde show is indoed brisk. The ephemeral categorie, incu Rex Videography, est Screenplay Best Art Direction, Be ‘Music, ach extgory’ aosiness are sted in the program, bat only the winners are announced onstage, and theyre announced four ata ie, and applause discouraged, and the master of cere monies keep telling che quartets owners that*If outcome on ‘up quickly and help keep thiogs moving il help us outa lot." days only food is big wheels of vegetables and dip near the cash boar The emcee tenot headliner Robert Sehimmel bata bypomanie sy named Dave Tyree, whose interpolated banter 78 rp and consists of st Hike “If God did't want ust Jerk of he woul ye ‘ade our ana shortec” There are maybe 1,000 people in ater dance, moat only slightly desta wp, and there are no assigned mines rapaesd an nnjoe hepsi et ii uae ah jeter ies tables, and everybody inthe Balto i noving around and cha tering and teasing che onstage proceeding the way people in a cocktail lounge teat the piano player . $4,00,000,00 ant 8,000 new releases year — yi au video 50 popula in this county Director and AVN HallofFae indocre FJ. Lincoln “e's las ise Funny how i's called adh, What it realty you gett be aki agai. You rol around sd et rg e's the adult sandbox ‘A. Veteran woodiman Joey Sivera: ‘Dudes let's face it~ America want ta erk off" Industry journalist Hareld Heoubs: “Its dhe new Baro, Nabody ever goos broke eeretnating te rageand msogyay ofthe sverage American male” [A Porn tare Jaclyn Lick “tink lot of fans ae verylonely people” There don't seem tobe a whale tof enous use ih A. Harold Hecuba:*Never have been. Thi'e viewed as ur off Ths busines i about engineering ntasie” Q Bureven jst venerially — all hee ana shenanigans and ‘everything: Is dhere much worry inte industry abou: HIV? A Harold Hecuba:“There's aot atch vorry about AIDS now Bverybody gets tested on a sched” © What about herpes? AC HLM "Ten ie rarmpane” Las year's BassSexSceneinailanwiner Vince Vouyee's ea tame turns out o be John LaFortne. Reeorical Q): How if nes ‘eal name wat John LaForme, could shat person psy fee dhe nee fora nom de gure? Mc Tom Byron describes being able ctumesce and ejaclate ‘ore orless on demand aan execs in “contro lke meditationfor surfing. I's Ike a gymnast saying on dhe balance beam. You pracice enough, yo can do anything" Former woodman and current auteur Paul Thomas was rember of he orginal Broadway’cast of Ju Choi Suprstar ‘The tal, ertediooking, Uhoeesime Best Actor winner and a member of the AUN Hal of «4 evertampant Mike Hommes, Fame, is actually aclawialy tained opera singe, ‘Deceased starlet Nancy Kelly's real name was Kelly Van Dyke. ‘She was the daughter of TV Jery Van Dyke and so, of course, the niece of Dic otic rooke cteas Midori, one ofthe nomness fn the "98 AVNAS Best New Suet category, the sister of 80s popstar fod ‘Whaley. Mort has tated pully that she vlews upscale conte ‘porary pors ia sepping-tone io a mainstream career, aot ulike becoming Miss America or doing a couple eas on SNL Harold Hecuba characterizes Midors eateersrategy a6 “griewunly ile aevised” Adult Vide News VP and Executive Editor Gene Ros, present lng te aforementioned 1998 AVN Avard for Best Directot/Video to Missant? Rob Back, wl hall Mi, Back 8a guy who can ke tole, midges and fied fh, and make aloe sto ‘From The Now Isker 1905 article on the paychosexual plight ofthe adul industey’s wooden: "The Cal Jramert- who ate part of this feminiaation feel they have tried the walls of feale FER wom rey sion) SERS aie nen sox 37 ‘ornament to ecaim mal prerogative, on} 1 fi themselves lost sna garden of gender irony” Ms John “Buti” Stglisno — CED of fl Angel Ine, & ran deseribed by US Nene World Repo “the nation’s leading dinector of hardcore videos” — ‘only has pblcy annonces tenting pone for HIV bt asidentiied te infection vector sa transemal prostiute in Sio Paulo with whom Stagliano had unprotected anal intercourse in 1905, H's anxious dat people not get the wrong dea: “am not prea interested in gu, boat Tam interested in dicks, Forbidden taboos lea to all sors of reurodc behavior, which leads to me beng Fucked in hea outa robber” ‘Are die AVN Awards possibly rigged? Max Hardcore (he o the pur loined statute, keepin mind) cll the Avatd toal confer of interest.” Ater all, he explains, Adult dor Noe is heavily a depends. and they're under “pressure fom dhe bighiter like ‘isd and VA to like, you know, ive te md” oe Ne Popamoreler Slag tie Manse scent ebplbecfottanesrjh oboeMs, Ellen Thompion, AVN Awociate Editor and an Awards Jndge who votes under the ng. Ka Shpter”® "We've heard this for years. Lhear this complaining alo goes on in the mainstream. dion’ ike insulting anybody, but sometimes thec's sour grapes, ‘What are we suppoved to sy? Vind and VCA pl out good product. We truly honestly do woe fais™ Mr. Dick Fh: “The best perception, backed up by tons of anecdotal evidence, is that they are totally, roclly fixed and siege" Saturday's the bg night, The banquet, the onstage entertainment, the headline Avards Soe debe seen, Gamblers and cowventioneets and mooks ofall Uk are mused at the Cactrscaband to wate the stares arrive, Thee ave camcorders and flahbulbs but no ppaparazal pers. Some of the performers come in limos, erin Shiny penile spor cars; othes seem to mysterio jus suddenly spar. Thee are even mare starlets here than there were at the (CES, and they are seriously dole up. There are cers alters and pesteolored Lycra bodysuits with open toed pur of burgundy suede. Thre are platinur lame gowns stl dhe way to the tenth rib ottons et covered than shelacked look like they byl rights shold have pan or at Least thong ines bt do not have ave lines There ae lime green viny leotards and toile helbottons and fihecale buster and mink the same texture and length a 8 te rai, Garter saps Mash and Merry Widow bodices shade Me nap s0n 59 che interiors of ransicent hones, Seve of the outs dey very tbc precepts of moder physics. Colas ate towering and om plex The savlets are all on the sem of mea, but none of these ‘cores are male porn performers, Average heelys "=. A loudwoiced civilian in the etbstnd cow actully utters the phrase “Va Va Voorn” which yr, corespedens had never before heard anywhere outside a Sintra move. Breas are uno :eppeineaque and in various perloue stages of semiconfinement Max Hardcore is nderaStewon the cle of weak chocote milk, and his adjustable B gel —arayed in a ype of searetconbay sit thats most fiage— has inflated her tress to what's got to be ‘Woodman, Black cleat Inst tn 1th Anau AVNAS.A lot of due men ae in black teas and ack tes and blak dress shies. One is wearing riley suit of either serge or some hind of uphoitery material Another ha er patform shoes and aver ‘est w/ no shire underneath. The XPlor boys ae in Klein sven! Shires and wwhan-camoullage fatigues ard there's a large contin gent with them that may or may not include the South Pak aia trae. guy on the arm of Ms. Morgan Firlae fa a ininense sul rzorous violet mohawk ila Brie punks of tele 1970 Teside the hotel, a Kind of inprompts cocktall pay forms in ‘he broad male hall ouside Caesars Palace’ largest and repors ‘aly clases ballroom, which scaled Caras Form. Bury casino sutfers stand aking tickets and being ver discouraging about any body uylag to barrash the show. The crash of Badies cut here cently a degree of physical contact that CES mooks never even dreamed of There ae pockets of legge a cable TY reporters imerview various performers about i) the alr of keen excite rent in the ar Myserious bundles af coax emerge ftom under the Forum doors and go all the way up the lng ofthe hally and disappear around the comer A suicin that we'd ad all Week but decided was unverifisle is now instantly verified whea one of. cores. ges accidentally showed aginst starlet and is{shed in the side by her breast and st hurt A Tot of pope are Iolding din in plastic gases and ite unknonen where they got them, The sarets ake tums geting interviewed re atmospheric excitement wile the wooden all avid the eameras ike mao. ‘The TV Highs are not doing anyone's intone any good acl In thee allack sacs, evra ofthe mae Insiders —includlng eg John Leste and Tony Tedeschi —are so pall ad sallow a8 3096 Vick Bast devoes a full 85 minutes of rapt concentration tothe cuticle of is left thumb. A sight surprise is ‘hata lot ofthe industry's elite wooden ate short — 5657 snd most oftheir companions iver over them, Dick Filth confirms ‘hat the contemporary industy’s 56 andar helps a prodigious nem. Mr rae organ look even more prodigious on videotape, a medium tha apparendy doesal kind fsange things o perspective Tickers for Saurdaysmain event are $185 per in advance. Is unclear wheter any Insider’ kets are comped, bt jouralits py fll eal Our tickets designate our table a8 #180. Twente hhundved Hekow have een tld, and since is highly dou anybody got past the fliagseyed ease guys ontide without a vickes, tomightstenclance cu confident be fe at 2.50, The Caesars Forum ballroom asf isa huge shape with the stage at the — it were— joint tht aff the Luh Asmat AV Awards diene ie geometrically isle to the other hal Th problem isaddvesed ase sine video screens dat hang from the ceiling at strategic point throughout dhe audios, Daring the nearly tro hours betwees whea the doors open and the Anaeds sow actualy tars, the sereens alternate quick ips from por clases (recall hat dhe theme ofthe 15th AAVNAS is “The eda ree aera saben eta ©) ith ive shots of various people making their Whas got ircting History of Al ‘entrances and mugging or the remote cares ‘oh Hold Hecubs and Dick Filth have come eqsipped with binoculars (HLHL'sin avery ofiilfooking Audubon Socety cat), hich ests myateriu tl we ll rie Table 186, which eat the very very back of dhe loon’ Ls omhern lg, hundreds of vad from even the nearest video szeen. “They always put che print guy outa mookland,” Heeuba explans. hie is unpeas ant suprie AL, Unpleasant surprive #2 3 the supper dhe $105, inciudes, wich turns out be buffesteamabeatyle and might bet be desertbed by inviting you 1 imagine 2 very cosmopotitan and mulethnic hospital cafeteria Sever of the male Inside, we now notice, have Brongn their ova pele hampe. "Nov moving laden pte to table near usa man a2 Rll body leopasdskin suit whose way of adaovledging people he knows eto pont at chem eather dan waveat them. On his arn is | Begirt ina body stocking made of what appear to be 3 densely woven et Two Astral Ocean Ginema contact ential coppercoloced beaded gowns with myriad lengthwise ate 30 that they wal 0 in the skirt par’ fonts and backs and their table cheir upper halves lock normal nd thle lower ales seen wo be pain ehrough an infinity of brad eutains, Obvious the whole xene is orerwhelming. The average American rarely sto see aerobic legwarmers wih 4° ake hed. The Caesars Forum cling i the color of rancid meringue; ithar 34 chandler tat are designed o look lke concentric opened fans but actualy lok more like aba or very well organized fais. Me. Joey Butar faoc is inthe house, accompanying" Al Goldstein of Sema whos ere to receive Special AVN Achievement Avard for His Lifelong. SenseoDefense af the Fist Amendment. Back i 40 reeoundingy In this esr that even the starched inen napkin at everyone's place st Tings are black The wineghscs al have lite fosed exmeos of J. Gievar on them, Himoriess men with valkievalkertand guard teach ofthe baliroom's ce doors —appacenty last year there vere some problems with unauthorized Carers Palace employees seaking i to watch the gus, The video screens are now showing the climactic see of Dib Dot Dallas, the on where the neb> bishy lade sandin forall nooks everywhere Finally as 4x with Barbi Woods and then the seen ashes “NEXT?” The Sth Park ‘ojs are indeed in auendance, up at Table 87 w/ Fuel and the ‘XPlor coterie. There are ako rors that Brag Nighs auteur Paul Thomas Anderson posses cher the gain and might show up. der table near ours is #182, Which according to is black tabiecent i reserved for Anabolic ‘The cloves tng toa kind off Video (notan industry ore) ani currenly ocupled by a spi cous colled and sllenly chewing Dina Jene (who declines to eaurn Harold Heeb blown kis) aud her escort, a young fellow ‘hom one can easly envision hesdhuting vrmehody in a mosh pit, Hlth confides that this Anabolle guy isa close fiend of ‘woodman Vince Vouver (gain, 1, who himaefis nat up or many 98 Awards because he pent good part ofthe pat yearn court and/or detention for helping operate an escort sevice which authoriersloged warn bons fide ecoet sevice ata ears out that Hecaba and Fes have Rept from ye corte: spondents as unpleasant surprise #3 the single clntlet wing bout the $108-head 15th AAVNAs banquet & gal Beverges are not compris. And notjustaleobol, either; even lousy lub soda w Time's $6.00. Wore, itt out you can" un ay sort of eh — Se rere a cera ieeoaaaay you have to pay the water in cash when you ore the lousy «ub toda w/e, and (theoreti) brings your change back with the beverage. Thus separate and memonrintenae transaction i requied foreach drink that each of che sztoght pesons teach of the appr. $75 tables in the auditorium might order, with ada ional complications certain people are buying drinks for era tnblemaes but not for ceviain other tblemates, ete! The whole ‘unfree drink snadon is incredibly annoying, at only because of ‘he oudandis eer price but because the blooms 100 percent Mile astern waiters (decent and handvarking flim allt be sue, who are taking some serious abuse about the payasougo Beverage policy rom mooks with cast at the neathy tables, despite the fet that dhe waiters don't ake the rules and most surely nd having to remember and make change for sx to eight serent customers per table piercing pain nthe a have only rudimentary ESI, ski and tend ta coafve both drink orders and currency denominations. Dick Fd leans over and shouts: “Now aybe see wy thine & muliilionseyear industry they've sight as duck’ bust The crow lingers over byperucrate cake and coffee and $8.0 conials and hor conversation atte for 99 more mites ‘before the house ighe dim and he 15 annul AVN Avid gala stars, What fellows thereon ise Laledowcepe ha of sted accep tances and blue oneliners and epileptic sues and spotighs folloming winner’ serpentine and high fve-saded pats tothe sage of everyting from genese Award Show sche 0 0 ments ofnearPerclean eloquence, asin eg“Fellow MENSA metnbers and aficionados of Shakespeare! inones A Goldtein of Sms Rand obese and whitebearded and ‘ragphaied and drevsed in x sportat whove lapel are wo diflor- ent primary colors, looking prety much exicty ke that oe cer tain old guy n the neighborhood your mom warned you never to tty t el Cub Scout chocolate mins to, and glryng in a Special AVN Achievement Avard he confeter to feeling he's long de served. “Twant to thankiny methes who spread her legs and made ail this pone.” Large section of dhe ered are on thelr feet — Goldstein ina porn con He wa dstibuting NVC Semon photo stat vtien mot of the people in thie fom were stil playing with their toes. He's been a First Amendment aaj, He drinks in the applause and love it and is hard wot to oct fast actully Uke, He's ceaty avatar of contemporary por's anabashens, is modern YeahOKInnScum buUindemeatrAllYourHyporiy So ArevYouand-atLeasti-Havethe-GustoAdmiticandHavea Good Time persons “Isalate the women with eleven-Qs and the men with eleven inch cock. The ral Neroe re the cock ane pustes who fuck on- screen, They ne the real heroes" Goldstein eles conducted than “This hae followed Robert Schima’ intro and a 80-minate “Mosca Salute tothe History of Adul,” in which topless dancing irl doa medley of dic, new wave, ndao on. The stage band i ragged and unevenly amplised, and theyll have fared collarsand tight perm— ite lke watching The Brady Bunch final season throug borrowed binocular, The stage i it by attotack spot Iigha whose colors aleeraate wo daceribescherne. ‘The whole 15th AAVNAS Show lane 3.5 hows and reembles nothing #0 much s an obscene and extremely welMunded high leis i ‘choo sembly. The mix of gash self congeatuion® and eumsy choreography i often 4 weird tobe endes ng: There are never ‘ewer than si presenters for each svar, they never seem to ‘sow whose tm itisto announce anomie, and there are shy ‘couple who don't get close enough to themike tobe audible and A couple ethers who get to clog othe mite and produce alt of Feeback that sends people and cocks fring ut of eh inthe Siscrows of tables Wicked Pcrue’ Sey, amulipleeategory nom inee, ges repeatedly pronounced “Sar Winners are suppose to cenit stagedeht after thelr acceptance speeches, but even people who've won and been through the process several mes ia scent years Keep forgetting and tying to exit ageright and cling wih the hostesses who are thereto escort ther evar, Some pre Senter intert brief rote antdrog messgesinto thei nto, while ound them twitch and sniff other presenters —not many, but some—who ae obriouycoked to the gil Probably the most news ad ecomonical thing to says dat lange parts ofthe ceremony a unintentionally fanny. Wisning Woodmen extend earnest thanks to directs and exes forging ‘hers “an opening" o "a shot” or “my bg shot” and sem whey ‘near ofthe carnal entendes ile, Back atthe journalist lable wih uss a ish woman iu ewerpiece Armani eho’ doing a spoton the Awards for ABC Rad she spends mot ofthe evening -nunched over with her head ia her hand ane her tape recorder not fen on. Dick Filth spends the shows wholesecond hour tying to ‘20k down a water who owes him beverage change. AVN'S Gene oss pans bute to "88% Male Performer of the Year by saying “You haven ved unl your'e seen Tom Bjon's wrinkled nuts on & seenpyich TV sereen” Rob Black's Monon keeps geting vominated in category afer category, and dine and agaln there's 8 frantic caucus at the podium about the corect pronunciation ofswag complet wth 2 couple of presenters audibly whispering ‘hatin the fuck sthe word even supposed to mean, ‘Tobe flr some of the nominated prodc tides ate gem inely confusing, Tipe Pneration Dbutande Shs 4s up for Me ‘Oueageous Sex Scene 157 end Sl Bongn'— but Jones out toa sen the Program ene Amal Food Expres" fron vie called My Giffen’ Giend Paul Thorn’ Bad Wise wins Bee Fi, Evil Angel's Budo wins Best slong with Wid nana on Bt Rowand ‘ShotomVideo Featre. The Best Foreign Release statuette goes 0 something European called Present By Dey, Maser By Nghe Bad Wesalso wins Best Actress Fm for Dyanna Laure, Be Suppor ing Actress lm for Mei Fl nd Best Anal Sex Seene/ Fin” for Lauren and Steven St. obs. est Compilation Tape honare go The Vi’ Favorite Jt Anal Davi Cronenberg’s main stream Grsk comes out of absolutely nowhere to win something called Best Aliemative Adult Festre Fin. Ms, Stephanie Swit wins Beat Actes/Video an ell the crowd: "Thanks, everybody My gangbang war a bla’ Max Hardcore, to Table 1859's immense and unkind delight, in ane single thing. ‘A actor named Jim Buck wins AUN Gay Pesfrmer ofthe doesn Year Award, and you beter Belleve yr: consp. st ole upright ‘when the penton who appeats onstage to accept dhe award isa pink one Sion ra et vacua studing whe and dete and leptovomatic 410" and i eating an Hon colle and appear, ten under 125K binocslation, tobe a twveyearold boy. Andi turns out tia twelveyearold boy I's Jat Buck’ litle brother “Jin can't be ere tonight because hes performing io Shake Sycare fetal in New Orleans” che Hale boy sayy (correspon: dendal expresions of bugeyed inquiry st Hecuba and Filth — ‘Shakespeare festival? sending a prepubewent relaive t calect, your excellencen-lmedseomy prize? — are met with bemused sirup ‘aught Jim everyting he knows” [Enormeus aulence laugh and ‘ovation, single spasmodic shudder from bunched ABC Rac lady] but t'm here o thank you on his Sealand wo say that | Arrnge and raunzle experience whlch ane of ye ear ll not cre ty to deter cons of wandng at + men's om inal be- ‘ween profesional woodman Alex Sunder: and Dave Hardman. Sut fice to ey thatthe urge to look ener/nm at their penises i powerful and the motives behind tis urge 4 complex 9 to cute snuresi (which n tr upethe trauma). Be informed that male porn star creat around themselves theexictsame opaque allectv privacy bolle that ll en a urinal everywhere erie, The whole Caesars Forum's men's oom’ urinal area ran ange etal tke efron as The dokandaerorandoweete ates, hover, ims ont ta Be a prieless mash of Isier argon and shop alla extreesonant by echolalc le and a surtet f scolar inks. One peetonnes ‘urmedanieuristelng a oleae aboutan acting new project Fouad this Rusia, this chick ke nineteen, can'peaka word of Foglih, whic for this =for the excing project] perfect” “You going to get in there? Just for mae lke one ene?” ‘Nah Thats the whe point I'm dhe tinct. Tie my pack geno” “Oh man though but you go to get in there. Jutt one ene Nivetcen, no English, Probably got 2 butthole about this big” [atureasve gerne unscen tecaute suitor i sil etanding com. plexly wauatined aureaWell wesc" (Mal laugher replete w/ warmth of genuine ‘iendsip, ellowseeting; exeunt| The Awards Show's planners hae obvouly studied at the Osan feet. Not only are the highproile AVNAS bed to the ead — hough with occasional teaser ke Best Supporting don eta the frst troshirds to keep people attentive — ut dhe endless sof categories and nominees ae ntrperted with ie entactes ‘of musical enterainment. My Dy Lauren, for insane appedts DeoweenBestSelling Tape and Best Foreign Release co sing her ‘original composition "Psycho Magnet,” a hardrock ballad about being = pom sar and geting conan sale and harassed by ‘menvaly il mooks. The song's argumentation sites ye cortex, 63 bit uneven, but Ms. Lauren sirutsand contorts and panctstes her phrasing with uppercut to che alike a genuine METY ava ‘The dowosideisthat vocally even with hear amplieation and dig ‘tal oymthess, Dyanna Lauren sounds tikes scalded eat, although Dick Filth points out that so does Alanis Morissette, dH. ecu ‘chimes in by shouting: “Say whatever you vant abou the songand dance numbers here they sare beat what Walberg and Rell were coming up wi in Bong Might Hecuba’s lim seems nsasilable unl sight before the Best Boxeoner Concept category, when maddenly piano is wheeled oat {or 4 chiles middleaged man in the ste sort of undenize porkpie that Art Caney always wore in Tt Hineymronen. Thisenter the Dates Musician in the History of Msi" proceeds to bet out obscene paredies popular dies dha put Table 189 in mind of Mad magazine every tuner, who is introduced as “Doctor Dey ome a Mad sonchow al lost thei nin a the same time fst got home fom prison. /My asshole fn’. /Goo goo goo depp’ ou ‘tesgned mtg ae | Sepa raybak dace the ontysnteh of ctl hs that pensssin men oy though titles ike “Sit on a Happy Fac’ and “t's Small Dick Aer AI" have proved maddeningly hard forge. Nobody stor sound our table har eer heard of Doctor Dir fore, but almost ‘venjone greet hathe'the 98 gla ow pine anda credible val for SeotySchnart’s 1997 seminude rendiion of “Thank Heaven for Title Gir" asthe most repellent AVNA interhde in modem remory: There'salso the 08 ceemony's climax, a which Midor?™ snd to other stares take the stage af “he Spey Gish” and do ‘a rapplsh 4/4 number dat ende with prety much ever female porn performer te crowd ap on tage dai lasciowsy and blows ing kis atthe AVN cameras This cnt: ita shindig appar cently caps the Award very ea. Something else happens every year Its never part of AU ‘ideoupe of the gala, But fsa waion tat Sinally explains why ‘he ballroom’s poor wales ate willing to pend five hours endure {ng beverage abe and sutling found tofind change. After the Awards Show is oter and the lights go up, some of the sales alvaps pose for cbscene snapshots with the Forum's walters Alot oF this year’s pictreeaking happens st he buck, right near our table, ‘One waiter stands with his arm around the shoulders of Leanna ‘Hare who pls down the starboard sie of Ler straps taffeta and allows de water to ep her righ breast hile Table 18's own pet- ‘onal waite snaps the photo. Another vale goes roan behind Ms. Ann Amoré —a very personable black dy with 04nch us nc hunches over behind her as she bends forward snd releases er breasts fom confine- ad gang tatoos all dow both arms ment, ad the water paws them and tes look ike he's having intercourse with her from behind 36 his fiends ath goes off, ‘Whar the alters ae going to do with these photo is unguesable, Dut hey'ce vil tried, andthe sarlets ae patent-and obliging SOE Tl bsg kee a aith them in the same Blank, dan: way that they were wth the smooks atthe Adult CES. ‘Tying to leave after the AAVNA gala another slow proces, Decaue the broad hallvay outside the balroom i gs fled with industry people wth Cacsarcameo'd lanes they've somehow for totem foleae at their tbls all xanding in chimp nd congrane lasing one another and making plan for vations Insider parties Inter: But dhe owes, seas: egreaive pati traversng the long. las vabule othe hotel's side ext. A mas of fas and Caesars Paluce custodians and assorted other cians are there, and the ron parts elighty to allow narrow pasage forthe Award ater les, who must run this gaundet neaaly single ile Te late, and ‘everyone's tre, and this crowd has none ofthe awestruck ret ‘cence ofthe eabstand’s spectators earlier Now ike every mook ‘nas his own special higholume comment forthe passing sas, and there'sa weird mix of adulation and devsion "Love ou, Brisa” “How d you get that reson, baby?” “Lock over here” “Does your mother know where you'‘e aright nov One ford Osh wan holding a plac cup of beer now reaches out from the crowd and very deliberately pinches the ‘reas of the Biel walking justin font of us She sap his hand say withou breaking stride. Beease we cannot ae her face, We on't know whether there ls any reaction thee tall. We have an Informed guess, though. Mr Dick Filth is behind us with one hand on each of yx cor ‘resp’ shoulders (we're bacaly supporting him out) Everyone's ‘carsae sll ringing, and Flt knows enough to almost shout "You no" he says, "wee alo got the XRCO Ava in Fede "uur. Rated rites Organization Aandi ~ you get me? Theye ot in Nagas, and theyre noe rig. And ye they manage to be justasdicnons” 1988