THE INSTANT

OF MY DEATH

Maurice BLartchot

'li'ans latcd by
EIizabeth Rotten berg

DEMEURE
FICT ION A N D TEST IMONY

Stanford
i
1/ IJaS;ty Jacques Derrida
Press

Stflnford
California
 § L'insrant de ma mort
JI': ME SOU\ '/ FN S d'ULl jeune homme-un homme en­
co re jeun e- empeche de mou l'il' par la mort I\\ eme- er
peu r-erre l'el'reur de ['injusrice.
Les Allies avaienr reuss i a prendre pied sur Ie so l
fra n<;:a is. Les Allema nd s, deja vain cus , lur[aiC'llr en vai ll
avec une inurile ferocir e.
Dans une grande mai son (Ie C hareau , disa il -on), o n
frappa a la pone pluror rimid emen r. .Ie sais que Ie jClIlle
homm e vinr ouvrir a des hores qui sans dOLll l' del1l an­
dai en r seco urs.
Ce[(e foi s, hurlemenr: "Tous dehors."
Un li eurenanr nazi, dans un fi'anc;: ais honreusemenr nor­
mal, fi r soni l' d'a bord les perso nn es les plus :i~~cc s , pu is
deux jeunes femm es.
"D ehors, dehors." Ccrre fois , il hurlair. Le jeu ne hOlTI me
ne cherchair pourranr pas a fuir, mais avanc;: air lenrcmcll(,
d' un e maniere presqu e sace rdorale. Le li eurenanr Ie scc­
oua, lui monrra de s douilles, des ba lles, il y ava il ell malli­
fes(em em combar, Ie so l e(ai( un sol guerrier.
Le lieu(enanr s'errangla dans un langage bi l.J ITc, e( Illcr­
2
§ The Instant of My Death
1 REM I M[\ER a you n man-a man srill young-pre­
vented trom ying by dearh itse lf- and perhaps (he error
, ~.
-
.
~
-.
-cfh e Attie'S had succeeded in ge rrin g a foorhold on
French so il. The Germans, already vanq uished, we re strug­
gling in vain wirh useless ferocity.
In a large house ((he Chatea u, ir was called), so meon e
knocked ar rhe door ra(her rimidly. I know tbar rhe yo ung
man came ro open rhe door ro gues rs who were presum­
ab ly asking for help.
This [ime, a howl: "Everyo ne ourside. "
A Nazi li cu(enant, in shamefu lly norma l French, made \
rhe oldes( peo ple ex i r fi [ Sf , an d (hen rwo young women.
"Oursid e, outside. " This time, he was howling. The
r young man, howeve r, did nor rry ro Ree bur advan ced
slowly, in an almosr pri es rl y mann er. The Iieurenanr ~
\ shook him , showed him rhe casin gs, bullers; (here had ob- ( )
viously bee n fighring; rhe soil was. a..waLSoL
The li eurenant c110Ked in ablZarre language. And pu r­
ring rhe casin gs, rhe bulbs, a grenade und erme nose of
3
 4 L'instant de rna mort The Instant of My Death 5

ta m sous Ie nez d e l'homme deja moins je une (on vieillit

<.::-.~~.::::..;..:..:~=
I e:::s
s::.-i:-.:.ro:.:ung (o ne ages q uickly), he dis­
vite) le s douilles, les ball es, un e g renad e, cria distinc te­
tinct y s outed: "This is w at you have com e to."
me nr: "Voila a quoi vous etes pa rvenu ."
T he N azi placed his men in a row in ord er to hi~
Le nazi mit en rang ses hommes PO l![ atteindre, se lon co rdin g to the rules, the hum an ta toger. The young man ,
les regles, la cible huma in e. Le jeune homme dit : "Faites
sa id , "At least have my famil y go in sid e." So it was: the
au moins rentJ°er ma famille." So it: la tante (94 ans), sa
aunt (n in ety-four years old); his mo ther, you nge r; his sis- I
mere plus jeune, sa seeur et sa bell e-seeur, un lon g e t lent
te r and his sister-in-l aw; a long, slow process ion , sil ent , as ( 1
cortege, sil encieux, co mme si tour etait deja accompli.
if everything had already been d one. -­
Je sa is- I e s~lis-j e - que celu i que visa ienr d eja les Alle­
I know- dol know tr dTInl'ie o ne at whom the Ger­
mands, n'a rtendanr plus que I'ordre fin al, eprouva alors un
ma ns were alread y aiming, awa itin g bu t the final order,
sentim ent d e legere te extraordinaire, un e SOlore d e beati­
experienced then a feeling of extrao rdinary li ghtn ess, a
tud e (ri en d 'heureux cepend am),-a ll egresse souve,'aille?
La rencon tre d e la mort et d e b mort?
so rt of beat itude (nothing happy, howeve r)- sovereign I
elation ? The encounter OJ death with death' -­
A sa place, je ne chercherai pas a a nalyse r ce se nrim em
In hi s place, I willfiOt try ro analyze . H e was perhaps
de lege re teo II etait peut-etre tout a coup invin cibl e.
suddenly invincible. D ead- immo rtal. Perhaps ecs tas y.
Morr-immone!. Peut-etre l'ext<1se. Plutot Ie sentiment
Rathe r the feel ing of compassion for sufferin g humanity,
d e com passion pour I'huill anite souffranre, Ie bonheur d e
th e happi ness of no t being immortal or ete rn al. H en ce­
n'ctre pas immonel n i eter nel. Desormais, il fut li e a la
forth, he was bo und to death by a surrep titious friendship.
mort, par une amitie subreptice.
At that instant, an abrupt retum to the wo rld , the con­
~ ((:t ins t~lnt, brusque retour a u monde , echl(a Ie bruit
sid erab le noi se of a nearby batrle exp lod ed. Comrades
considerable d'un e pro che bataill e . Lcs camarades du
from the maqui s wanted to bring help to one they knew
maquis voulaiem poner secours a cel ui qu'il s s<lva ienr en
ro be in d anger. The lieutenant moved away to assess the
d a nger. Le lieutell anr s'elo ign,!1 pour sc rend ~colllpte. Les
situation. Th e Germans stayed in order, prepared to re­
Allemands resta ienr en ordrt~ , prets a demeurer a in si dans
main rhus in an immo bilii-y that arres ted time.
ull e im mob ilitc qui a rretait Ie te ill-pS.
T hen one of them app roached an d said in a firm voice ,
Mais vo ici que l'un d'eux s'a pprocha et dit d'un e voix
ferme: "No us, pas al le mand s, russes," et, dan s un e So rte
:'We're no r Germans . RLlss i i!D~ d , with a so rt or laugh,
"Vlassov auuy~ d made a sign ro r him to disa ppea r.
de rire: "armee Vlassov, " et iI lui fit sig ne d e dispa ra [tre.
I think he moved away, still with th e reeling of li g ht­
Je cro is qu'iI s'eloi gna, toujours dans Ie sentim ent d e
ness, until he found himself in a d ista nt fores t, named the
legere te, au poin t qu'il se re trou va dans un bois eioigne,
"Bois d es bruyeres," where h e remain ed sheltered by trees
nomme " Bois d es bruyeres," 0l.1 il d emeura abritt par Jes
he knew well. In th e dense forest sudd en ly, after how
arb res qu' il connaissait bi en. C'est dans Ie bois epais que
much tim e, he rediscovered a sense of th e reaL Every­
tou t a coup, et apres combi en de temps, iI toetrouva Ie sens
whe re fires, a contin uous succession of nres; all the farms
~~
d u reel. Panout, des incendies, u ne suite de feu conrir1U,
\~,'C...b urning o A littl e later, he lea rn ed th at three yo ung

cs ~ , .

6 [ 'i nstant de ma mort
roures les fermes brCII aienr. Un peu plus rard , il appe ir que
rroi s jeunes ge ns, fils de fermi ers, bi en errangers a rour
co mb ar, er q ui n'avaienr pour rorr que leur jeune sse,
avaienr ere aba rrus.
M eme les cheva ux gonRes, sur la rou re, dan s les champs,
arres raienr une guerre qui ava ir dure. En rb lire, combien
de remps s'erair-il ecou le Quand Ie li eurenanr erair revenu
er q u'i l s'e rair rend u compre de la dispar iri on du jeune
charelain , pourquoi la co lere, la rage, ne I'ava ienr-ell es pas
po usse a brCIler Ie Cha re,lu (im mobi le er majesrueux);
Ces t qu e c'e rait Ie Chatea u. Sur la fa~ade crair inscrire,
co mm e un souven ir indesr ru crib le, 1<1 dare de 18°7 . Erair­
il assez culri ve pour savoir qu e c'era ir I'a nnee fameuse de
fena, lorsque Napo leon, sur son peril' cheval gris, passair
so us les fencr res de H egel qui reco nnur en lui ''['a me du
monde," ai nsi qu 'ill 'ecrivir J. un am i' Menso nge cr veri re,
car, co mme Hegell' ecr ivir a un <turce ami, les Fran~ais pil ­
leren r er S<lccagere nr sa demeure. Mais H ege l savai r dis­
ringu er I'empirique er I'essellri el. En ce rre annee 1944 , Ie
li eurenanr nazi eur pour Ie C hare,1 u Ie res pecr ou la con­
side rar ion que les fer mes ne susc iraiem pas . Pourranr on
fo ui ll a parrout. 011 pr ir quelque arge nr; dans un e pi ece se­
\ r
paree, "Ia chambre haure," Ie li eurenalll rrouva des papiers
er une sorre d'epais manuscrir-qui conrenair peu(-(~ rre
des plans de guerre. Enfln it parrir. Tour brCIiair, sa uf Ie
Chareau. Les Seigneurs avaienr ere epargnes.
Alors commen~a sa ns doure pour Ie jeune hom me Ie
rourmenr de I'injusrice . Plus d'exrase; Ie se nrimcnr qu'il
n' erair vivanr que parce yu e, meme <l U X yeux des Ru sses, il
apparrenair a une classe noble.
Ce rair cela, la guerre: la vie pour les uns, pour les au ­
rres, la .cru<lut&de l'"dssassinar.
Demeurail.cependenr, au momenr 0l.1 la fusillade n' erair
plus qu'en arrenre, Ie senrimelH de lege rere que je ne sa u­
.,rt
The Instant of My Detlth 7
men, SO I1 S of farme rs ­ rru ly srt·angers ro all co mbar,
whose only Fa ulr was rh eir yourh-had been slaughrned.
Ev en rhe bloa red horses, on the road, in rh e fields , ar­
res ted ro a war rhar bad go ne on. In realiry, how much {
rime bad elapsed? \Vh en rhe lieure[lanr reruwed an oDe
cam e aware rhe yo ung charelaine had disappeared, wby
I
did an ge r, rage , [lor prompr him ro burn down rhe Cha­
rea u (i mmobile and majestic) (..I3ec<luse it was rhe Chatea u.
O n the facade was insc ribed, like an indcsrructible n;~
mind er, [11 l: dar~ i"Roi Was h~;:;hivatedcnO:gh r; know
tlli"! \vas the fa mous year of j ena, when l'Ia po leon, on his J
small gray horse, passed under the windows of Hegel, who
recognizcd in him (h c "sp irit of rhe wo rTcr" as he wrote to
a !"riend; Lie an d tru th: ror as Hege l wrote to another
rri~nd , the French pillaged an d r,ln sacked hi s horne. But
Hegel knew how to distin gui sh the em pirica l and rhe ~s­
sentla!. In th ar yea r 1~+4, (he N:rl.i li eutenant had for thc
C h:lteau a respect or consideration that the Emns did not
amuse. Everyrhing was searched, howevcr. Some mo ney
vas laken; in a se parare roo m, "the hi gh chamber," th e
li eu tenanr found papers and a son ot~ thi ck manuscrpt­
whic h perhaps co IH<1 ined wa r plans. hna ll y he leff. fve ry­
ing was bu rn i~g, e xcept rT1C T~l1areau . Thcrsei ~neurs\had
-
been sparea.-- - ­
No dOUb
..
t what rhen began for rhe yo un g man \-\:IS th e
to rmenr of inju stice. N o more ecstasy; the feel ing thal he
, W~IS on ly li vin g. hccausc. e\·en in~e cyes of t h e ~s i;ln s l.
he belono.,,1 ' " '' 1\~b+t'<1iss.
-----~ -
This was war:lifero??c;"me,
,lSSaSS ll1allon.
for oth ers, the cruelty of
\
There re mained , however, ar th e mome nt when rhe
shooti ng waS no longer but to come, rhe feeling of lighr4
ness that I would not know how to rransbre: freed fro m
.'"\
,li fe; the infinire opening up? Neit;her happ iness, nor un -
\
t"
8 L'instant de rna mort The Instant of My Death 9

ra is rraduire: Iib ere de la vie;> l'infini qui s'ouvre;> N i bon ­

hem, ni malheuf. Ni l'absence de craime er peur-eu e deja
Ie pas au-del a. ]e sa is, j'imagine que ce senriment in­
analysab le changea ce qui lui resrait d'exis tence. COl11me si
la mon hors de lui ne pouvair desorma is que se heurrer a la
mort en lu i. "]e suis vivam. Non, ru es morr. "
 10 L'instant de ma mort
The Instant of My Death II

Plus lard, n~ve nu a Paris, il l'e nCOnt ra Ma lrau x. Ce!ui-ci

Larer, havin g returned ro Paris, he mer Malraux, who
lui raconta qu' j[ avail ere rai r priso nn ier (sa ns erre re­
- sa id rhar 1he had bee n taken pl-iso ner (with out be in g rec­
connu), qu' iJ ;1Va ir reussi a ~ 'ech a pper, ro ur en perd ant un
ogn ized) and rh ar he had succeeded in escap in g, losin g a
malluscrir. "Cc n'eraienr que de s reAex ions sur l'<lIT, fac iles
manu sc ript in the process_ "Ir was only reFrecri~ ~s ~n an,
;\ recons ri rue r, randis qU'lIl1 mallll scrit ne salll'air I'er re."
' casyFO tl'cons rirure~whc reas a manuscri£fwoul cfno ~e .»
'\v('c Paulh all , il fir ra ire des recherches qui ne pouvaienr
\'(Iirh Pa ul h~e made inquiri ~1ich cc:uTd only re­
qli e rcstcr valn es .
mai n In va in.
Qu' illlporrc. Seu l dcmeure Ie senriment de legerere qui
Whar doe s ir man er. AJI rh ar remain s is the reeling of
est Ia 1110rr m cm e au, pour Je dire pl us p l'CciSt l-~ent, I'in ­
ro
lighrness rhar is death irself 0 [, pllT1r---more precisely, [he
-
stant de ma mort desormais rouj ours ell insrance
insrant of my dea rh henceforth ahvays in abeyance.
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I I
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