WHODUNIT

The Great SIS Sleuth-Off

Three one-act plays

Adapted by Cynthia Kaiser

PROLOGUE = LYCEE

ACT 1 = GOUNOD & VERHAEREN

ACT 2 = COLLEGE DE SEVRES

SCENE 1
(Wimsey, Bunter, Didier, Celestine, Porters 1&2, Elderly lady, Salesman, People in station)

Lights up on Gare Saint Lazare. Didier and Porter 1 are in a long line at the ticket window SL.
Enter Wimsey, Bunter and Porter 2 SR. Passers-by are in line, reading papers, etc.

Wimsey: Ah the Gare Saint Lazare. Such a bustling busy place. Bunter, tickets to Rouen so
we can call on the Duc de Sainte-Croix on our way back to England.

Bunter: Very good my lord. [he and the porter with bags, join the end of the line]

Wimsey: I’ll just have a wander. [as he wanders off, he crosses paths with Celestine,
newspapers under her arm, and gives her a long, appreciative look]

Elderly lady: [to Salesman] No, young man, I want a map of Paris, not a post card.

Salesman: [French accent] Excusez-moi, madame. I do not understand.

Wimsey: May I be of assistance? La dame souhaite acheter un plan de Paris.

Salesman: Ah, ces touristes !

Didier, Celestine & Porter 1 with bags have reached the ticket window. Wimsey is drawn
back to the line by the commotion they create, coming to stand near D&C. As they argue the
crowd gets impatient. Porter 2 throws in a few insults.

Didier: [to Celestine] Mais je te répète que je ne les ai pas. Voyons, voyons. C’est bien toi qui
les as pris ; n’est-ce pas ? Eh bien, alors, comment veux-tu que je les aie, moi ?
Celestine : Mais non, mais non, je te les ai bien donnés là-haut, avant d’aller chercher les
journaux.

Didier : Je t’assure que non. Enfin, c’est évident ! J’ai cherché partout, que diable ! Tu ne
m’as rien donné, du tout, du tout.

Celestine : Mais, puisque je t’ai dit d’aller faire enregistrer les bagages ! Ne faut-il pas que je
t’aie bien remis les billets ? Me prends-tu pour un imbécile ? Va ! Je suis plus intelligent que
ça. Mais regarde l’heure ! Le train part à 11h20. Et si on rate le train, on rate le ferry aussi.
Cherche un peu, au moins. [Wimsey needs to react appropriately to this speech]

Didier : Mais puisque j’ai cherché partout – le gilet, rien ! Le jacquet, rien, rien ! Le
pardessus – 3 fois rien !

Porter 1 : P’t-être qu’ m’sieur a fourré les billets dans son pantalon.

Didier : Triple idiot ! Je vous le demande – est-ce qu’on a jamais entendu parler de mettre
des billets dans son pantalon ? Jamais – [putting his hands in his pockets]

Porter 1 : [dropping the luggage] Ah ! En voilà du joli ! Allons, mon p’tit, ce n’est pas parce
qu’on voyage en première qu’on a le droit d’insulter les gens.

Didier pulls the tickets out of his pants pocket. Reactions All. D, C & P1 turn to finish business
at ticket window.

Wimsey: Bunter, I have an intuition. I am going to change the tickets. We shall go straight
on to London. Have you got that photography device of yours with you? The one you can
work from your pocket without anyone noticing?

Bunter: Yes, of course my lord. It seems to come in useful quite often.

Wimsey: Get me a picture of those two.

Bunter: Yes, my lord.

Wimsey: I will see to the luggage. Wire to the Duc that I am unexpectedly called home.

Bunter: Very good my lord.

Wimsey: Perhaps you can develop the photographs on the ferry?

Bunter: If your lordship pleases. I have all the materials in my suit case.

Wimsey: What fun! [Blackout]

SCENE 2
(Wimsey, Bunter, Duchess)

Lights up on Wimsey’s sitting room. Wimsey is sitting in an arm chair examining a book.
There is a small table with a telephone on it. Enter Bunter SL

Wimsey: Morning Bunter. Weren’t we lucky with the weather for our ferry crossing
yesterday? The Channel was as calm as a millpond. Any luck with those pictures from the
Gare Saint Lazare?

Bunter: Yes, my lord. I have already put them to good use. I have ascertained that the young
person in question has entered the service of the elder Duchess of Medway. Her name is
Célestine Berger.

Wimsey: You are less accurate than usual, Bunter. Nobody off the stage is called Célestine.
You should say “under the name of Célestine Berger”. And the man?

Bunter: He is domiciled at this address in Guildford Street, Bloomsbury, my lord.

Wimsey: Excellent, my Bunter. Now hand me our own little private Who’s Who. Was it a
very tiresome job?

Bunter: Not exceptionally so, my lord. [handing Wimsey a bulky manuscript]

Wimsey: One of these days I suppose I shall give you something to do which you will balk at,
and you will leave me, and I shall cut my throat. Thank you, Bunter. [Exit Bunter SL] Now,
what do we know about the Dowager Duchess of Medway. [Turning pages] Ooh, quite a lot.
[Reads, smiles, closes book and goes to telephone] The Duchess of Medway, please.

Lights up Apron right on the Duchess, on a chair, holding a telephone.

Duchess: Yes, this is the duchess of Medway. Who is it?

Wimsey: It’s Peter Wimsey, duchess.

Duchess: Indeed, and how do you do, young man? Back from your Continental jaunting?

Wimsey: Just home – and longing to lay my devotion at the feet of the most fascinating lady
in England.

Duchess: God bless my soul, child, what do you want? Boys like you don’t flatter an old
woman for nothing.

Wimsey: I want to tell you my sins, duchess.

Duchess: You should have lived in the great days. Your talents are wasted on the young fry.

Wimsey: That is why I want to talk to you, duchess.

Duchess: Well, my dear, if you’ve committed any sins worth hearing I shall enjoy your visit.

Wimsey: You are as exquisite in kindness as in charm. I am coming this afternoon.

Duchess: I will be at home to you and no one else. There.

Wimsey: Dear lady, I kiss your hands.

The Duchess chuckles. Blackout.

SCENE 3
(Wimsey, Duchess)

Lights up on the Duchess’s sitting room. She is in an arm chair. Wimsey is on a foot stool.

Wimsey: You may say what you like, duchess, but you are the youngest grandmother in
London, not excepting my own mother.

Duchess: I have every intention of being a great-grandmother before I die. Sylvia is being
married in a fortnight’s time, to that stupid son of Attenbury’s.

Wimsey: Abcock?

Duchess: Yes. He keeps the worst hunters I ever saw, and doesn’t know still champagne
from sauterne. But Sylvia is stupid too, poor child, so I dare say they will get on charmingly.
In my day one had to have either brains or beauty to get on – preferably both. Nowadays
nothing seems to be required but a total lack of figure. But all the sense has gone out of
society. I except you, Peter. You have talents. It is a pity you do not employ them in politics.

Wimsey: Dear lady, God forbid.

Duchess: Perhaps you are right. Things were different in my day. And now we have Abcock
standing for Parliament, and marrying Sylvia!

Wimsey: You haven’t invited me to the wedding, duchess dear. I’m so hurt.

Duchess: Bless you, child, I didn’t send out the invitations, but I suppose your brother and
that tiresome wife of his will be there. You must come, of course, if you want to. I had no
idea you had a passion for weddings.

Wimsey: Hadn’t you? I have a passion for this one. I want to see Lady Sylvia wearing white
satin and the family lace and diamonds, and to sentimentalise over the days when my fox-
terrier bit the stuffing out of her doll.
Duchess: Very well, my dear, you shall. Come early and give me your support. As for the
diamonds, if it weren’t a family tradition, Sylvia wouldn’t wear them. She has the
impudence to complain of them.

Wimsey: I thought they were some of the finest in existence.

Duchess: So they are. But she says the settings are ugly and old-fashioned and she doesn’t
like diamonds, and they won’t go with her dress. Such nonsense. Whoever heard of a girl
not liking diamonds? She wants to be something romantic and moonshiny in pearls. I have
no patience with her.

Wimsey: I’ll promise to admire them. Use the privilege of early acquaintance and tell her
she’s an ass and so on. I’d love to have a view of them. When do they come out of cold
storage?

Duchess: Mr Whitehead will bring them up from the Bank the night before, and they’ll go
into the safe in my room. Come round at noon and you shall have a private view of them.

Wimsey: That would be delightful. Mind they don’t disappear in the night, won’t you?

Duchess: Oh, my dear, the house is going to be over-run with policemen. Such a nuisance.
I suppose it can’t be helped.

Wimsey: Oh, I think it’s a good thing. I have a certain weakness for the police. [Blackout]

SCENE 4
(Duchess, Celestine, Duchess’s Maid, Whitehead, Parker, Musicians, Dancers)

The Duchess’s bedroom. There is a safe and a small table with a necklace. The Duchess is
seated. Celestine is helping her fasten a stocking to a garter and put on shoes.

Celestine: There you are, your grace. All ready to oversee the dancing lesson.

Duchess: Thank you Celestine.

A maid knocks.

Duchess: Come in.

Maid: Mr Whitehead and Detective Inspector Parker to see you, your grace.

Duchess: Send them up.

Maid: Yes, your grace.

Celestine: [picking up a necklace] I think this necklace will bring out your eyes, your grace.
Duchess: [surprised] Hmm, you certainly have very good taste in jewelry. [another knock]
Yes, come in. [enter Whitehead with a case and Parker. The Duchess stands to greet them.]
Mrs Whitehead, you have the diamonds?

Whitehead: [bowing] Yes, your grace. They’re right here in this case.

Duchess: Detective Inspector Parker, so good of you to take charge of this matter
personally.

Parker: [bowing] The least I can do, your grace, to ensure that your granddaughter’s
wedding proceeds smoothly.

Whitehead: [placing the case on the table and taking out a jewelry box] If you would be so
kind, your grace, as to open up the safe.

Duchess: Yes, of course. [takes key from around neck and opens safe, takes the box and
places it inside] Thank you Mrs Whitehead. No one will be able to get their hands on them in
here.

Parker: Make sure you put the key somewhere safe, your grace. We can’t be too careful. I
have posted plain clothes officers outside your house overnight. I, myself, will be back in the
morning.

Duchess: Very good, Detective Inspector Parker. I’m sure you know best. Good day. [turning
to Whitehead] Mrs Whitehead.

Parker & Whitehead: Your grace. [exit]

Duchess: Ah Celestine. Just help me with that necklace and we shall go and see if the
bridesmaids and their partners can dance. [Blackout]

MUSIC AND DANCE: practice for the wedding ball - a Charleston

SCENE 5
(Wimsey, Bunter, Footman, Parker, Policeman, Servants, Celestine, Didier, Sylvia, Bride’s
mother, Duchess, Wedding guests)

The duchess’s house: SR the morning room; SL the entrance hall with door to apron left,
attended by Footman. Wimsey and Bunter enter apron left in wedding attire. Detective
Inspector Parker is in the morning room in plain clothes, consulting a notebook.

Wimsey: Ah, Bunter, you have done me proud. I feel smart enough for an audience with the
King himself.

Bunter: Yes, my lord. Very elegant, even if I do say so myself. I shall see you inside. I
wouldn’t want to miss the fun. [exits SL to “back entrance”]
Before Wimsey can knock, Footman opens door.

Footman: My lord. The Duchess will be right with you.

Wimsey: Thank you. Is Detective Inspector Parker nearby?

Footman: Right this way, my lord. [takes Wimsey to SR] Detective? Lord Peter Wimsey to
see you. [exits SL]

While Parker and Wimsey are talking, servants carrying flowers or dishes go in & out of SL.
A plain clothes policeman enters apron left and loiters inconspicuously.

Parker: Wimsey!

Wimsey: [shaking his hand] Charlie! All serene so far?

Parker: Perfectly O.K.

Wimsey: You got my note?

Parker: Indeed. I’ve got men shadowing your suspect in Guildford Street. The girl has made
herself indispensable here. Does the old lady’s wig and that sort of thing. She’s a bit of flirt
though, isn’t she?

Wimsey: You surprise me. Not seriously? That would throw all my calculations out.

Parker: Oh, no! Saucy with her eyes and her tongue, that’s all.

Wimsey: Do her job well?

Parker: I’ve heard no complaints. What put you on to this?

Wimsey: Pure accident. Of course, I may be completely mistaken.

Parker: Did you receive any intel from Paris?

Wimsey: I wish you wouldn’t use that phrase. It’s so Scotland Yard. One of these days it’ll
give you away.

Parker: Sorry. Second nature, I suppose.

Celestine enters SL and pretends to dust. Didier enters apron left with a big basket of
flowers.
Wimsey: Those are the things to beware of. One can plan everything down to the last detail,
but those second-nature tricks will betray you. [looking “out the window”] Hullo! Here’s our
bird.

Parker comes to stand beside him and they watch the following action. Didier rings the bell.
Celestine answers.

Didier: [French accent] Flowers for the house, Miss?

Celestine: [French accent] No, nothing today, thank you.

Didier: [thrusting a bunch of flowers towards her] But see how they are fresh and fragrant.
You will not find better at Covent Garden.

Celestine: [pushing the flowers back into the basket] Put your flowers where I think!

Celestine closes the door smartly. Didier stalks off muttering, exits apron left. The Policeman
looks towards Parker, who looks at Wimsey, who nods. Parker makes a sign and Policeman
exits apron left.

Wimsey: Very interesting. [Sylvia shrieks offstage] Hark!

Sylvia: [enters SL] The diamonds! They’re stolen! They’re gone!

Wimsey and Parker rush SL, servants (and dancers?) flood the stage. Lots of commotion.

Bride’s mother: [entering SL] Detective Inspector Parker, what is the meaning of this.
Something must be done.

Sylvia: My wedding will be ruined!

Enter the Duchess, dragging Celestine, who is struggling.

Duchess: Don’t be so silly. Be quiet girl. Anyone would think you were going to be
murdered.

Bunter: [appearing by her side] Allow me, your grace. [taking Celestine firmly by the arm]
Young woman, calm yourself.

Bride’s mother: But what is to be done? How could this happen?

Parker: Your grace, there is no cause for alarm. Our measures have been taken. We have
the criminals and the gems, thanks to Lord Peter Wimsey, from whom we received intel-

Wimsey: Charlie!
Parker: Warning of the attempt. One of our men is just bringing in the male criminal, taken
red-handed with your grace’s diamonds in his possession.

Policeman: [enter apron left with Didier in handcuffs] We got ‘im, ma’am. Just like you said.

Parker: The female criminal, who picked the lock of your grace’s safe, is… here! [Celestine,
swearing a blue streak in French, whips out a gun.] No, you don’t!

A brief struggle, lots of swearing, Bunter seizes the gun.

Parker: Celestine Berger, I arrest you in the name of the law, and I warn you that anything
you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you.

Wimsey: Heaven help us. The roof would fly off the court. And, Charlie, you’ve got the name
wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Jacques Lerouge, known as
Sans-culotte – the youngest and cleverest thief, safe-breaker, and female impersonator that
ever occupied a dossier in the Palais de Justice.

All: [GASP!]

Celestine: [swearing and giving Wimsey a flirty grin] C’est parfait. Toutes mes felicitations,
milord. What you call a fair cop, hein? And now I know him [grimacing at Bunter] the so-
patient Englishman who stand behind us in the queue at St Lazare. But tell me, please, how
you know me, that I may correct it, next time.

Wimsey: As I mentioned to Detective Inspector Parker earlier, it is unwise to fall into habits
of speech. They give you away. Now, in France, every male child is brought up to use
masculine adjectives about himself. He says: Que je suis beau. But a little girl will grow up
saying: Que je suis belle! This must add a level of difficulty to being a female impersonator.
When I was at the Gare St Lazare and I heard an irritated young woman say to her
companion, “Me prends-tu pour un imbécile ? Je suis plus intelligent que ça.” The masculine
article and adjective aroused my curiosity. The rest was merely a matter of getting Bunter to
take a photograph and communicating with our friends of the Sûreté and Scotland Yard.

Celestine: [bowing to Wimsey] Once more I congratulate milord. He is the only Englishman I
have ever met who is capable of appreciating our beautiful language. I will pay great
attention in future to the article in question.

Duchess: [advancing menacingly towards Wimsey] Peter, do you mean to say you knew
about this, and that for the last three weeks you have allowed me to be dressed and
undressed and put to bed by a young man?

Wimsey: [looking embarrassed] Duchess, on my honour I didn’t know absolutely for certain
till this morning. And the police were so anxious to have these people caught red-handed
that I was unable to tell you. What can I do to show my penitence? Shall I cut the privileged
beast to pieces?
Duchess: [enjoying the moment] After all, there are very few women of my age who could
make the same boast. It seems that we die as we have lived, my dear. [big wink and a
curtsy, as Sylvia, mother & guests look scandalized, and servants appreciative.]

Blackout.

INTERMISSION

MUSICIANS: intermission show

Close curtain
ACT 3 = LYCEE

EPILOGUE
(Wimsey, All for curtain call)

Lights up empty stage, enter TV Presenter. Audience cheerleaders ready.

TV Presenter: Don’t you just love a happy ending? Gets me every time. [wiping a tear] Now
dearest audience, the time has come when you must decide who will win this evening’s Great
SIS Sleuth-Off! It’s time to take out your phones to vote. Will it be the charming and wily Miss
Jane Marple, [enter Marple] who solved the mystery of Geoffrey Denman’s death by
poisoning, thanks to a pile of carp? Or the suave aristocrat Lord Peter Wimsey, [enter Wimsey]
whose proficiency in French allowed him to unmask the diamond thieves? Or the enigmatic
Mr Sherlock Holmes, [enter Holmes] who painstakingly gathered the clues to clear the name
of an innocent young man. While you are making up your minds, we have our fabulous
musicians and dancers to entertain you! But remember, when the music stops, the voting is
over. [exit all]

MUSIC AND DANCE number: I’m Still Standing.

Ending with curtain call for DANCERS, CAST, CREWS, MUSICIANS except the 3 sleuths and TV
Presenter.

Enter TV Presenter, Marple, Wimsey & Holmes

TV Presenter: [requests silence] And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The winner
is: _________ [presents winner with trophy]

The 4 actors take their bow & invite producers to join them, thank technicians. Close
curtains.